let's get real for a minute

You may have recently seen me posting about Jen Hatmaker's new book For the Love. (I say that tongue in cheek, as if you're my Facebook friend, you know For the Love and Jen are just about all I've been posting about recently!) I posted my review a couple weeks ago, and I'd love it if you'd go check it out.

If you've been following me very long, you know that I have an autoimmune disease: Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.

Note: Those two paragraphs are connected. I promise. Just keep reading. 

I've been fairly open on the blog about my struggles with the disease, but usually I've been writing from a place of hope: I'm doing x, and I hope it will help. I've been feeling better, and I'm thankful.

But today's post is all about realism: This is where I am, this is how I feel, and this is why I'm frustrated.

One of my friends recently shared this article on Facebook. (Please, if you haven't read it, go do so now. I'll wait.) The author has Lupus, but it really could apply to anyone who struggles with a chronic condition. My sister texted me to tell me that she had read the article, and it helped her to understand what I'm going through. "And you definitely don't have the spoons to mow your lawn." So true, sister ... yet I also don't have the funds to hire someone to mow my lawn, so I do it anyway--and sometimes I pay the price later. (If you don't know what she means by "spoons," then go back and read that article I just linked to.)

Here's one small example to give you a glimpse at how Hashimoto's affects my life. For the last seven or so years, I've been attending a church in a town 20 miles away. It takes me exactly 30 minutes to travel from my house to my church. At first, I was involved in several things--choir, women's Bible study, an English-language tutoring program. Depending on the time of year, I made the drive to church between two and four times per week. But as Hashimoto's has reared its ugly head, the extra things have dropped off, and I now struggle just to make it to church on a Sunday morning.

I know that part of this, rightly or wrongly, is because I don't have to go to church. I have to go to work. I have to go to Saturday speech meets. But, as much as I love seeing my friends, as much as I'm challenged by my pastor's sermons, I don't have to go to church. And when I'm struggling with fatigue and just generally not feeling well, sometimes I don't possess the energy for that 30 minute drive.

I've made diet and lifestyle changes that have me feeling better than I did a year ago. But I still have bad days--days where I close the door to my office and lay on the floor for 20 minutes. Days where I can barely muster the energy to scramble some eggs for supper. Days where I hit the couch as soon as I get home from work and barely move until it's time for bed.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of a simple thing like walking across campus making me exhausted one day and energized the next. I'm tired of never knowing from one hour to the next how I'm going to feel. I'm tired of missing out on things because they happen at the end of the day when I have no spoons left. And I'm tired of the extra limitations I have because I'm doing this alone.

When I was growing up, I never would have believed you if you'd told me I'd still be single at age 34. Honestly, though, I generally don't mind being single. Would I like to be married? Yes. But singleness isn't something I dwell on ... most of the time. I find that I'm least content with my singleness on the days when I'm physically feeling the worst. Here's my train of thought on those days: If I had a husband, he could drive us to church--I wouldn't have to expend precious energy on driving. He could mow the lawn, or at least do the push mowing part that so wears me out. He could do the yardwork that I don't know if I will ever have the energy to do. Pretty selfish reasons for wanting a man, but I'm being real here!

I don't want you to think I'm an invalid: I'm not. I have a full time job. I take walks with my mom. I sing in a community choir. I get together with friends. I help coach a high school speech team (for now!). Some days, I feel pretty good, and I can do lots of things--it's just that I often need ample recovery time afterwards. That may mean that I skip out on an event or I take a day off work or I don't even attempt to get ready for church.

The really frustrating part, though? I can never tell when I'm going to have a good or bad day. Overall, there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to how I feel. (I mean, if I've stayed up late the night before or eaten total junk or been incredibly stressed, I can predict that I won't feel great. But often, when I feel bad, it's for no apparent reason. Same for when I feel good.)

The other frustrating part is that I don't look sick. In fact, with my 43-pound-and-counting weight loss, I look better than I've ever looked. So if you ran into me on the street or even know me casually, you'd have no idea there's anything wrong. Really, you'd only have a clue if you read my blog or are one of my close friends...because it's not something I like talking about.

Now, this is where Jen Hatmaker and For the Love come in. I've dealt with a decent amount of guilt over my illness. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense at first, but look at it this way: I am constantly missing out on things. I have a friend who faithfully invites me to a monthly Ladies' Night at her house, and I have yet to make it because by the time the weekend rolls around, I'm done. Church choir friends ask me when I'm going to rejoin the choir, and I put them off. Someone asks me how church was, and I have to admit I didn't go. Just a few hours ago, I made the decision to skip tonight's Newsboys concert at the State Fair, where I was planning to meet up with a friend I haven't seen in two years. I feel guilty about all those things.

I also feel guilty about the state of my lawn.

In For the Love, Jen talks about how women try to balance a zillion things--often things they don't need to be doing, be it for a season or forever. She talks about how we shouldn't look at other women to decide what we should be doing. I found that to be so freeing! At this particular stage, getting healthy is what needs to be "on the beam." I chucked church choir off the beam a year ago, and I don't see it ever returning! And I shouldn't feel guilty about that. I'm not shirking my duty to God or my church by prioritizing my health.

Graphic: Jenny Garwood

In an effort to keep fighting for health, I'm preparing myself to begin the Autoimmune Paleo Diet right after Labor Day. This is an incredibly restrictive diet for the first 30-60 days, and my hope is that following this diet will allow my gut to heal and will help me learn which foods I should avoid. I mean, it can't hurt, and I'm at the point now where I'm ready to try.

I don't know if this diet is the magic pill I'm looking for, and if it's not, I'll keep looking. I may wish that Hashimoto's wasn't part of my journey, but it is, and I think part of coming to terms with it and, eventually, healing, is being real about my struggles. In fact, I was feeling pretty down about everything when I started writing, and now, after putting everything out there, I'm feeling hopeful again, so we're already making progress!

I tell you all this not to make you feel sorry for me but to help you understand where I'm coming from. And can I ask you a favor? If you are healthy, don't take your health for granted. Live your life to the fullest, and thank God every day for the health He's given you.

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a spectacular fourth!

I intended to post this yesterday, but then I got a speeding ticket and my day went to pot. Now on to happier things!

My mom and I just returned from a wonderful weekend in Indiana visiting my sister and brother-in-law. Val and Greg live in my college town, and it's always fun to go back, especially when we happen to be there on a Sunday and can go to the church I attended in college (which is also the church they attend).

We set out mid-morning on Thursday ... and it was just about the longest trip ever. From heavy rain to me not feeling well to my mom's shingles (which she came down with the week before), it felt like the trip that would never end! (This picture was obviously taken at the beginning of the trip.)

Finally, though, we made it. And we met this cutie:

Seriously, Miss Chloe is just about the cutest thing ever! Just like her "cousin" Skaara, she loves chasing pink fabric.

We slept in on Friday, and then we wandered around the shops in the Village at Winona for a while. We also hit the local T.J. Maxx, which is a bit, uh, classier than the one in Grand Island ... and there I bought some size 10 pants. Seriously? Size 10??? I haven't been a 10 since junior high! (I'm probably closer to a 12 normally, but the 10 of this particular brand is what fit.)

That evening, we ate at The Boathouse, where I longed to have my favorite dish, the chicken & bacon wrap ... but I was good, stuck to the gluten free thing, and had a cheeseburger with no bun. Then we girls saw Bye Bye Birdie at the Wagon Wheel Theatre. I'd heard all about the Wagon Wheel when I was at Grace, but this was the first show I saw there. It was fantastic! The acting was great, and the show was so fun. Bravo!

Saturday was super relaxing. I read this book for a while, we played Rummy (I lost ... but it wasn't a massacre like it sometimes is), and Greg grilled burgers for supper. Also, Val and Mom conspired to kill me--Val prayed for our meal, and she tacked on a quick "and please help us get good seats for the concert" onto the end. Mom proceeded to mock her, and I couldn't help but laugh ... with a mouthful of water. Basically, I ended up choking--I absolutely could not breathe. I did eventually recover :-)

Then we went down to Winona Lake for the Masterworks Patriotic Pops Concert and fireworks.

Lots of people were already there when we arrived, so we ended up sitting to the side of the orchestra. Val decided that, since we couldn't see very well anyway, we should face the lake, as that's where the fireworks after the concert would be.

So Mom spent the concert like this:

Something about her discomfort at being turned a different direction than everyone else was hilarious to Val and me. And when you think about it, Val's reasoning didn't make any sense, but we all went along with it.

Then, when it was time for fireworks, we moved--so Mom's discomfort was for nothing!

On Sunday, we went to Christ's Covenant (it's always so great to be back, even though I really don't know anyone there anymore) before heading to Fort Wayne for the afternoon: lunch at Granite City, shopping at Target, and watching Jurassic World.

We had to say goodbye to Greg, Val, and Chloe and head back to real life on Monday. This drive didn't feel quite as long as the first, though. Maybe because we stopped for lunch at Cracker Barrel, and then we meandered through several stores at the Tanger Outlets in Iowa. Mom even found a deeply discounted dress and ridiculously cheap dress pants (something like $7)! And we had to get coffee and chocolate at Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory before getting back on the road. (My selfie skills were not on point ...)

Really, we made great time! And then I came home to this:

It's not pretty; it's a $35 stove I got off a garage sale. It's not my dream stove by any means...but it is a GAS stove. For someone who learned to cook on gas and hasn't had a gas stove since moving out of her parents' house 10 years ago, this is a big deal! My dad, who stayed home to work on a variety of projects, made running a gas line and hooking up the stove one of those projects. Thanks, Dad! It's very much appreciated :-)

Overall, it was a fantastic way to spend the Fourth of July. I just wish the vacation could have lasted longer ...

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the proof of your love

A while ago, a friend introduced me to the Christian band for KING & COUNTRY. Their music is great, and if you haven't heard them before, you really should check them out. As I thought about what to title this post, their song "The Proof of Your Love" kept running through my head. It's a song about wanting your life to reflect God's love to those around, which is really not the focus of this post ... but the title still applies!

One of the things we're supposed to be doing in my Beth Moore Bible study is writing down personal revelations for each week—ways God shows Himself to us. Honestly, I've been struggling with that part. September was a pretty terrible month for me health wise—nothing major, but I felt sick more often than not, and when I don't feel good, it's hard for me to take my eyes off myself and see how God is working.

Yesterday, my mom and I went to Omaha to visit Blendy and go to the symphony. But on the way, I started feeling sick again, and we ended up leaving Omaha before the symphony. This morning, I still wasn't feeling well, but I'd made plans with someone after church, and Singing Christmas Tree practices started today, so I decided to go ahead and go to church. Right before leaving for church, I found out my friend needed to cancel our lunch plans, and I almost just stayed home. I'm so glad I didn't!

As I was walking toward the church building, I bumped into my new friend Julie. Julie and I went to college together, but we never met. We connected over facebook during the Nebraska-Wisconsin game last week; we have a mutual college friend who asked a question about Bo Pelini, we both responded, and we discovered we both live in the Grand Island area. (This is big because there aren't many Grace alums in the area. At all.) Then on Thursday night, we met for coffee at The Chocolate Bar. Anyway, it was a nice surprise to run into Julie this morning and to meet her husband and son.

Then when I walked into the sanctuary, I spotted Stephany and her boyfriend. Steph and I are rarely in church on the same Sundays, and it was so nice to sit with her and catch up a bit. On the way out of church, I chatted with one of my VBS kids, last year's Bible study leader Carol, and former student Jess.

I decided to go hang out at Barista's for a while, as practice didn't start until 3. And who should walk in but Jamie, a friend I hadn't spent any time with since the end of May! We didn't have long to talk, but it was so nice to see her.

As I drove to Singing Christmas Tree practice, it hit me that my day was the proof of God's love for me. He used people to make my day better and take my eyes off my own problems. (And if you're wondering, Singing Christmas Tree practice was wonderful—our director said it was like a family reunion as we all got back together for the first time since last December, and she was right!)

I'm sure that if I would just keep my eyes open, I would see so many more proofs of God's love for me. What about you? How is God showing you His love?

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a revelation journey

I'll be honest: I've never liked the Book of Revelation very much. When I was a kid, it terrified me (as did those A Thief in the Night movies). As I got older, I just ignored it. Then last year, my Bible study group started listening to a series of sermons by Pastor Bob Thune from Coram Deo in Omaha. It was a take on Revelation I'd never heard before—rather than focusing on future events, he talked about how to apply the teaching in Revelation to our lives now. I was intrigued and challenged.

When my church announced its fall women's Bible study series, I knew I needed to be involved: it's Beth Moore's Revelation study, Here and Now ... There and Then. I'm excited for this study not only because it's about Revelation, but also because I have benefited from her teaching in the past (such as when God used her to reveal the bitterness in my heart).

We began the study last week. The first video was phenomenal! I'm very excited to continue learning.

Beth Moore studies are notorious for having lots of daily homework, but this study only has one homework assignment per week. (This should help me stay caught up!) Since I stayed home from church this morning, thanks to the "school cold" that smacked me in the face yesterday, I decided to do my homework with a nice cup of tea. It was really, really good—sent me to Scripture and didn't ask any of the inane questions present in most Bible study curriculums that drive me batty. It also took me only about 30 minutes to complete.

I'm very much looking forward to learning whatever God has for me through this study of Revelation!

P.S.: You can't see it, since the picture didn't turn out great, but I was listening to Travis Cottrell's When The Stars Burn Down as I studied. Not only is the title track completely fitting for a study of Revelation, but the whole album is so worshipful. Amazon tells me I bought it exactly a year ago, and in that time, I've listened to it countless times. You should really check it out!

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crafting with blendy & becky: vbs crafts

In June, I did a ton of crafting (all without Blendy) ... because I helped with VBS at my church, and I worked in crafts! We made one or two crafts each day, depending on the time. I had an absolute blast with the 18 kids who were part of the crafts camp! My official role at VBS was to be the special buddy of an autistic girl. She participated in crafts, so I did, too, and in the process got to know some really cool kids.

I'd forgotten how much I enjoy being around kids. That sounds strange coming from someone who works at a school, but I'm not really around the young ones much. (That's not to say I don't enjoy the older ones ... you know I do!) When I quit helping with Awana at my parents' church two years ago, I was really burned out, and though I missed the kids, I knew it was time for me to step back. My experience with VBS reminded me just how great kids are! While I'm not ready to work in children's ministry on a weekly basis, I will definitely keep helping with VBS!

So during VBS, I made a lot of crafts, but I only got pictures of two: a tissue paper cross and prayer hands. I won't go into great detail on how to make these crafts—this post is basically just to prove that I did complete a craft project in June! (You can see my other crafting projects here.)

The tissue paper cross is pretty simple. You cut a cross shape out of cardboard, use a hole punch to make a bunch of holes, and stick tissue paper through them. Or you could just buy the kit from Oriental Trading!

The prayer hands are also ridiculously simple...but you'd probably have to buy hand cutouts somewhere. You just paint them (see how artistic I am???), and when they're dry, glue each hand to one side of a clothespin. Then you can hold prayer cards (or recipe cards) in them. Once again, here's an example from Oriental Trading.

Our July craft is going to be bath bombs, and Blendy will be doing this one with me. Stay tuned!

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are you better or bitter?

I had the opportunity to attend a Beth Moore conference in Lincoln last weekend. The topic was "Knowing Better," and she split her teaching into two sections: "When 'better' is 'bitter'" and "When 'better' is 'better.'" I've dealt with bitterness in my life (and even blogged about it before, though I didn't really explain at the time that I was dealing with it), and I thought that was something I'd "overcome." God must have chuckled and shaken His head when I had that thought!

Two of Beth's four points on bitterness really hit home for me. They're perhaps not bitterness in the traditional sense of the word (I can still recall how it felt to be bitter--that ball of bile in the pit of my stomach, the tension whenever the subject I was bitter about came up--and that's certainly not how I feel in regard to these things), but left unchecked, they could certainly lead to a deep, debilitating bitterness.

1. When better is before. Beth made a great point here when she said we tend to romanticize the past. While I certainly had the most fun of my life in college, I know it wasn't the perfect time--but all I remember are the good things. So it's easy to look back and say, "I wish I could go back!" This definitely applies to my church experience. I attended an amazing church in college. When I left Indiana, I mourned leaving Christ's Covenant behind. For the first time in my life, I had actually anticipated going to church! Not so when I arrived home. For four years, I attended two churches at various times, and I wasn't really happy at either of them. Finally, after I prayed about it, I felt God leading me to my current church. It's not perfect--and there are still aspects of Christ's Covenant that I miss--but I'm confident I am where God wants me to be. So confident, in fact, that I just became a member! So this point for me was more of a reminder of where I've been ... and a reminder not to go back there.
2. When better is someone besides me. Beth spent much of Friday night camped out on this point ... and with good reason, as she was speaking to a group of women! We're known for comparing ourselves to each other. While this isn't an area I have much trouble with, one thing Beth said really stuck out to me: "True humility is wrapped in security." False humility--saying, "Oh, it was nothing," when praised in an effort to get the other person to reaffirm us--is actually a twisted form of pride. I'd heard this before, but it was a good reminder.
3. When better is the route I didn't take. Ouch! This one screams "Becky!" all over it. It's wrapped up in the idea of "if only." If only I'd accepted the offer to stay on at the publishing company where I interned in college. If only I'd gone through with my plans of getting my library science degree. If only I'd pursued another job after paying off my loans. If only, if only, if only. Here's the thing--I am basically happy with my life. Of course there are things I wish were different, but over all, it's good. I like my job. I love my students. I enjoy being able to see my family all the time. But when I start dwelling on the "if onlys," I become discontent so quickly.
4. When better is what you should have known. Can I get an "amen"? "I should have known better than to ..." Or how about this one: "I did know better, and I did it anyway!" I could completely identify with this, as I tend to continue to beat myself up over things I've done or said--sometimes even years after the fact! Here, Beth pointed out the difference between regret and repentance: regret looks back, while repentance moves on! 

God used this conference to point out areas in my life I need to work on, as well as to show me how far I've come in other areas. It was a wonderful time, and I'm so glad I was able to experience it with my mom!

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speak before the silence

NaNoWriMo begins tomorrow. During the month of November, you probably won't be hearing from me too much--unless I'm procrastinating. Then you might be hearing from me a lot!

Some things to say before I go silent:

• My incredible cousin Nate, who joined us on our awesome road trip to Oregon, has been selected to the All State band for the second year in a row. Last year he played 3rd trumpet; this year he's playing 1st! I gave him a check for my concert ticket the other day (so Aunty M, if you're reading this and haven't seen a check, go shake your boy down!)--I'm excited for November 20!

• I've been doing so much reading lately! (I'm sure that's about to stop, what with NaNoWriMo and all ... ) A few books I highly recommend (and may review at a later date): Coming Attractions (Katie Weldon Series) by Robin Jones Gunn, Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help It Happen by Candice Watters, Anathema by Colleen Coble, and Shades of Blue by Karen Kingsbury. I'm pretty sure I'll be writing about Coming Attractions and Get Married sometime ... maybe after November 30!

• I made the best hot fudge sauce the other day. It's my great-grandma's recipe. I have fond memories of eating this sauce on vanilla ice cream at her house. Muy delicioso!

• I'm beginning to seriously think about church membership. I grew up in a church where membership wasn't stressed, and I'd honestly never really thought about officially joining a church before. Some of you will remember that just over a year ago, I decided to switch churches. I wouldn't say that membership is pushed in my new church, but it's definitely encouraged. I'll be writing more about this later, I'm sure!

• I had the greatest thought last week as I was watching the tail end of an episode of LOST on some cable channel late at night: When LOST comes back in January, I won't have to watch it alone and then bore/confuse my mom with the details at work the next morning. Why? Because Val and her roommate will be able to watch it with me!

• Watch this video. (Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to embed it here, so you'll have to click through to the website.) Now be jealous of me and my mom--we're going to a Straight No Chaser concert in December!!! Merry Christmas, Mom!

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what a weekend!

As I write this post, I'm sitting on my couch, covered by the throw I knitted a couple years ago, sipping Bella coffee, and watching Charade, the next installment in my great movie rewatch. I have the day off, as I used incredible foresight to realize that after last weekend, I'd need a day off to recuperate!

Friday--I rushed home from work at 4:30, packed up, and headed over to my parents' house to pick up Val. After making two trips back to my apartment to get things I'd forgotten, we headed off for Indiana. We didn't take the normal route, though. Earlier in the day, I'd tried to search for Starbucks along the way, but Starbucks' website wasn't working right, so I tried to use Google Maps instead. When I typed in our starting and ending points, I was surprised to see a new shortest route pop up. Supposedly, by taking Highway 30 East until it runs into I-29 and then taking I-29 South to 680 East, we could cut 30 minutes off our drive. I was a bit skeptical, but I decided to give it a try. And it may have worked, if only the Columbus Starbucks would have been where Google Maps said it was. As it was, we drove around Columbus for about ten minutes before deciding to try to find coffee in Fremont. Val called her past and future roommate Jamie to have her google coffee shops in Fremont. She found one downtown that sounded promising ... except it closed at 5:30, and we got there at 7:30! We finally found a Scooters, but by the time it was all said and done, we'd spent over 30 minutes in Fremont, and we lost any time advantage we may have had by taking that route!

The rest of our drive was rather uneventful, though we did have to deal with rain and some intense fog. At 7 a.m. Eastern, we pulled into Grace. I got a kick out of watching Val and her roommates greet each other--lots of squealing, jumping, and hugging!

Saturday--After sleeping about four hours, we woke up to a delicious breakfast--pancakes, potatoes, scrambled eggs, bacon, coffee, and juice!

At one, I headed off for South Bend to see my college roomie Jen. We spent several hours downtown at Art Beat. Neither of us bought anything "artsy," but we enjoyed browsing the booths, listening to music, and admiring the sculptures. We met up with Jen's friend Peter, a photographer, and we served as models for a few shots. Recently, a bunch of sculptures by artist George Rickey were set up downtown; Peter told us to go look at one of the sculptures and talk about it. At first, I wasn't that impressed with the sculpture, but the longer I looked at it, the more entranced I became. I ended up enjoying the various sculptures more than anything else we saw at Art Beat!

After we were finished wandering around at Art Beat, Jen took me to The Chocolate Café, where we each bought a piece of cheesecake. I got the Dulce de Leche, which tasted remarkably similar to the caramel cheesecake I made earlier this year. (Maybe that’s what I should do with my life—make cheesecakes and sell them for ridiculous amounts of money!) Anyway, we took the cheesecake back to Jen’s apartment, where we sat and chatted while sipping delicious jack-o-latte coffee. This portion of the day was definitely the highlight of the trip!

I spent the evening with Val and her friends. I’m getting braver in my old age, and I sampled some of the edamame they made for supper. I wouldn’t call it my favorite food ever …

Sunday--We went to church. At Christ's Covenant. It was wonderful. I'm still processing, so that's all I'm going to say about that for now.

Following Papa John's pizza with the girls and a brief, delightful conversation with Val's friend Sproul about our mutual appreciation for Nathan Fillion, we were on the road again. Val drove all the way to Des Moines, and we got there in close to record time. In fact, some guy we passed on the interstate recognized us at a gas station and commented on how lucky we were to not get pulled over!

We were hoping to stop at a Panera just outside of Des Moines for supper, but they were closed by the time we got there, so we went to Dairy Queen instead. Val observed that the Sunday night crew must have been the B team!

Monday--At 12:15 a.m., we got home. I crashed nearly immediately and slept until 9:30. I have greatly enjoyed my day off ... it has been the perfect way to end a wonderful weekend!

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what is love?

Anytime I hear that phrase, my brain immediately flashes to my college Sunday school teacher, Kondo, asking that question one Sunday morning, and then answering the question before anyone else could say anything: "Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more." Crazy as it is, that's the way we sometimes view love and relationships (romantic and otherwise)--I'll love you as long as you don't hurt me, but if you do, well, then we're through.

My pastor is currently doing a series on family, and today's sermon was called "A Replacement for Your Love Life," based in Ephesians 4:31-5:5. If you've spent much time in an evangelical church, you've probably heard most everything he said before, but sometimes it's good to have a refresher . . . it certainly was what I needed to hear today!

Real love is very different than self love.

It starts with forgiving, rather than getting even.

It depends on my will rather than my emotions.

This point reminded me of Ken Medema's song "The Greatest Love." Some of the lyrics in the bridge say: "Most feelings change as fast as weather, but love's a matter of the mind and will, a matter of the head and heart."

It is an action, rather than a passion.

Real love is tenderhearted.
Bitterness will not only destroy the relationship, but it will eat you from the inside out. Real love does not withhold forgiveness, even though it's painful. Release the debt and forgive!

Real love is pure and unselfish.
We are constantly indoctrinated by what we see on TV and hear on the radio--when people fall in love, they fall in bed. But real love is not immoral. It is not a sexual feeling. (At this point, Pastor Mike did a hilarious rendition of The Righteous Brothers' "You've Lost that Loving Feeling," which was apparently the most-played song of the 20th century.) Love is not about me--it is about giving to others. Love is active. (In the words of dcTalk, "Love is a verb!")

Challenge: Am I ready for a new love life?
Am I ready for the purifying compulsion of a holy passion?
Am I filling my heart with what I desire to overflow?

If you're interested in hearing the whole sermon, the podcast should be up in a few days.

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stepping out

I'm not known for my boldness. I'm most often uncomfortable when meeting new people. I like to stay in my comfort zone. Yet recently, I've been feeling restless. Like I'm not doing enough--like I'm not using the gifts God has given me. Like I need to break out of my box.

My pastor is at least partially to blame for this. For the past few months, he's been pushing the idea that we need to get out of our church and reach out to the community. In my head, I've agreed . . . but what could I do?

That's when I saw the announcement in the bulletin: ESL tutors needed. And what do I do at my job? Teach ESL! (among other things . . .) I signed up for the tutor training right away. That was a month ago. Today, I spent six hours in a tutoring workshop, and I'll be matched with a student within the next two weeks. Am I scared? Yes. But I'm also very excited!

I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

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clap a joyful clap

I've always found clapping in church to be a bit awkward. Perhaps it's because of my church background. I grew up in a church that began incorporating worship songs with the hymns around my junior year of high school. We didn't necessarily sing current worship songs, but we moved away from singing only hymns. My church was known for not clapping . . . but sometimes, when you're in the middle of "My Life Is In You, Lord," you just feel like clapping. I believe my aunt often initiated the clapping, and others (not the whole congregation, mind you, but a few others) would join in . . . and eventually the clapping would die out. I always felt incredibly strange when I would clap, and that feeling has followed me into adulthood.

I rarely clap in church--not because I think it's wrong but because I don't know how to do it. The rhythm is never the problem (for me--I'd say the rhythm is the problem for many, many would-be clappers); rather, I never know when to stop clapping. I'm constantly watching the others around me to see when they start and stop. Should I clap for the whole song or just the first verse? When the worship leader tells me to clap, I usually do (because I'm a lemming?) . . . but how long do I need to keep clapping after he stops--because worship leaders usually stop clapping shortly after they get the audience started!

We had a worship band from Grace University in chapel today. And inevitably, a song came along where they wanted us to clap. Not wanting to stand out (I was on the bottom row of the bleachers), I began clapping. I soon stopped. Then I started watching the people around me and noticed that many of them seemed quite tentative about clapping, too. Imagine my delight when, while getting my daily blog fix at lunch, I saw the title of today's post on Stuff Christians Like: Clapping our hands (a step-by-step guide to the death of rhythm)!

You have to read this post! It's genius! Here's an excerpt to get you hooked--then go read the rest of it!

I always cringe a little when a worship leader says, "Everybody clap together" at the beginning of a song.

Instead of marching forward in a united rhythm, what usually happens in church sounds like someone lit off a box of hand firecrackers. Smacks and slaps and claps just ringing out randomly with no sense of where the song is headed. So this morning, after witnessing several claps die merciless deaths yesterday at church, I thought I would analysis how the clap goes so wrong so quickly. Here is what I think happens, laid out in a convenient step by step approach:

1. We get the "call to arms."
This is when the worship leader tells everyone in the crowd to start clapping. Often, he or she, will raise their hands above their head to give you a visual of how the whole thing is supposed to go down. It's an exciting moment, the world is so fresh and new. We're all a little intoxicated on the sense of potential and possibility. So together, we start clapping.

2. We realize that there's no leader.
Eventually, the worship leader stops clapping above their head. Either they start playing an instrument or just grab their microphone in kind of a dramatic, Creed-like moment. Suddenly, we in the crowd realize no one is leading this clap-a-thon. We scan the stage for direction but no one bails us out. The main singer is focused on the song and the back up singers are doing some sort of rhythmic clapping that is beyond us. It's like the PhD program of clapping. At least 15% of people quit clapping right here.

OK. Now that you've had a taste, go here to read the rest.

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in the news

I've been too busy to blog much lately . . . but one of our local TV stations has made it easy to show you what I've been up to!

Singing Christmas Tree
It's the 35th year for the SCT, and a reporter came to one of Saturday's performances. We've done eight shows, and we have four to go! Being in the tree is so much fun--I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to do this. Go here to read the story and watch the video. Look for me at 1:03! I'm the 4th person from the right on the bottom row.

Festival of Lessons and Carols
Last night was the 4th Annual Festival of Lessons and Carols at NC. I've been part of the choir for the past three years. The day is absolutely exhausting, but I really enjoy it! This year, we had a guest organist, Mark Thallander. You can watch Channel 5's video here. And, again, if you look really hard you can see me, sort of: At 0:58, count three people to the right from the conductor's (Eric Dale Knapp) head. That's me! My cousin Nate is two people to the left of me. My mom got to sing a solo, Steph sang in a quartet, and Nate sang in the quartet and played his trumpet for one of the orchestra's songs. I wish I had videos of those things to post, too!

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the decision is made

Thanks to all of you who prayed for me as I agonized over my decision. Yesterday, I finally made it.

For the past year or so, I've been thinking about going back to the church I attended when I lived in Grand Island. This summer, I started praying about it. For the last week, I've been agonizing over the decision.

When I'm faced with a hard decision, I tend to just put it out of my mind . . . which is why I've been thinking about this for a year without acting on it! I don't know why, two weeks ago, it suddenly became important to actually make a decision--the only thing I can figure is that God was pushing me because it's not like there's something at either church that would require me to decide now.

A few things made my decision very difficult, but the biggest factor was that all of my family members who live in this area attend the church I've been attending, the church I grew up in. Family is very important to me, and thinking about leaving the church they all go to, even though I really wanted to be somewhere else, was stressful.

Two Sundays ago, I visited the church in Grand Island. I loved it, and I really felt like that was where I was supposed to be . . . but I still didn't want to rush into a decision. So I decided to keep praying about it and go back last Sunday. About midway through the week, I decided that I really wanted to make the change, so I began praying that if it was the wrong decision, God would make it very apparent. I'm not sure if that was the best way to go about it, but it's what I did.

So, yesterday, I went to church and checked "regular attender" on the attendance card. Now that it's done, I'm so relieved--and very excited!

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