movie mondays: movies i wish i could find on dvd

This afternoon, I checked my TV app to see what was on later tonight, and I noticed that Hallmark was playing one of my TV movie favorites. I couldn't watch it because of work, and it's been a while since I've seen it, so I immediately checked my friend Amazon ... only to find it's not on DVD.

That got me thinking about the movies—some recent, some older—that I would gladly pay for if only they were on DVD. Here's my wishlist, in no particular order. (Except for #1!)

Chance of a Lifetime (1998)

This is my #1 DVD wish, hands down. Chance of a Lifetime is a marriage of convenience romance starring John Ritter and Katey Sagal well before their days on 8 Simple Rules. Their characters wed because Maguire (Ritter) doesn't have health insurance but needs back surgery due to an injury sustained while helping Irene (Sagal). As they try to convince everyone—including an insurance fraud investigator—that their marriage is real, they ... you guessed it ... fall in love. 

I actually still have this one on VHS, and I pull it out every now and again ... but I taped it off of TV, and our reception wasn't great, so it's pretty grainy. Every so often, I search for it on YouTube, but I've never found it.

Love's Complicated (2016)

This is the movie that prompted this post. I don't know why some Hallmark Channel films are released on DVD and others aren't. Since this one is fairly recent, I do have hope that it will be released one day. Author Leah's life is predictable and boring until her boyfriend enrolls her in a conflict resolution class. There she meets shock-jock Cinco, who's attending the class on court order. Though the two initially dislike each other, they ... of course ... fall in love 😍. Leads Holly Marie Combs and Ben Bass have more chemistry than is often present in Hallmark films, and this one actually felt a bit unique. I don't often watch a Hallmark film and think I'd like to own it, but I'd like to get my hands on this one.

Fun fact: Love's Complicated is just one of several recent Hallmark films to be adapted from Christian fiction. This one is based on Rene Gutteridge's My Life as a Doormat.

Model Behavior (2000)

This film is far from perfect, at least from what I remember, but I do remember it fondly. I had always been more of a JC girl than a Justin fan, but when I watched this movie, I thought, Hmmm, that Justin Timberlake IS kind of cute! What he wasn't was a particularly good actor (this was his first film role), but that didn't really matter. The story, about two teens (played by Maggie Lawson of Psych) who trade lives, is very The Prince and the Pauper-esque, and it's quite enjoyable. At least it was when I saw it in 2000.

This Time Around (2003)

There was a time (10-15 years ago) when ABC Family made some great romance/romantic comedy movies. Some of my favorites were released on DVD (I own Lucky Seven with Kimberly Williams-Paisley and Patrick Dempsey and Reality of Love [a.k.a. I Want to Marry Ryan Banks] with Bradley Cooper and Jason Priestley), but this one wasn't. My brother was kind enough to record it for me, since he had cable and I didn't, and I still have the VHS tape. But I'd love to find it on DVD!

This is an "ugly girl grows up to be unrecognizably pretty and gets the guy she liked in junior high" story, so, basically, completely unrealistic ... but I still really like it. There's just something about Brian Austin Green ...

Matchmaker Santa (2012)

Now we get into my Christmas movies wish list! My guess is that if Matchmaker Santa had been made a year or two later, it would be on DVD, as it seems that all of Hallmark's recent Christmas releases eventually find their way to DVD. Starring Hallmark's Christmas queen Lacey Chabert* and Adam Mayfield, it's about a woman who falls for her boyfriend's assistant when they're stranded together in a small town right before Christmas. It does have possibly one of the most "non-ending" endings ever, but the rest of the film is so delightful that I can forgive the end.

*Honestly, I'm not sure who has made more Hallmark Christmas movies, Lacey Chabert or Candace Cameron Bure. Maybe they can be co-rulers of Hallmark's Christmas Land.

Christmas List (2016)

While several of Hallmark's 2016 Christmas offerings have already been or will soon be released on DVD, Christmas List isn't one of them. And that's too bad. Starring Hallmark's Christmas princess Alicia Witt and the always charming Gabriel Hogan in their second pairing for the network, Christmas List is about a woman who seeks to complete her Christmas bucket list. It's predictable but charming, and it was the biggest surprise of Hallmark's 2016 Christmas season to me. I really enjoyed it, and it's one of the few 2016 premieres that I'd like to own. 

The Christmas List (1997)

Not to be confused with Christmas List, this film is a 1997 charmer starring Mimi Rogers (a.k.a. Mrs. Tom Cruise #1). Melody is a perfume salesgirl whose life is changed after she sends a letter to Santa. I haven't seen this one in years, so I can't really tell you if it's any good, but I remember loving it when I saw it! (I did find it on YouTube, but the audio has been dubbed in another language, so I quickly decided not to watch it.)

Have you seen any of these? What movies do you wish you could own? Does anyone else still own—and occasionally use—a VCR???

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movie mondays: up faith & family

A few days ago, I read a review of Love Finds You in Valentine. Not only did the movie sound like one I'd enjoy, but I was curious about the setting—Valentine, Nebraska. I decided to see what it would cost to rent on Amazon, and I discovered it was free to watch with a subscription to UP Faith & Family. Because Amazon is kind and allows a free trial to its add-on channels, I decided to sign up for the free trial ... and then watch all the UP movies I could during the trial period. (Sound familiar? This is basically exactly what I did with PixL last winter, only PixL is available through YouTube, not Amazon.)

While I really only scratched the surface of what UP has to offer, here are a few of the best movies I watched ... and a one to avoid as a bonus!

I would definitely compare UP's original movies to Hallmark's. The difference here is that UP films, while I wouldn't classify them as "Christian," aren't afraid to touch on faith. Characters are often shown attending church or praying before meals, and several major and minor characters in the movies I watched were either pastors or were heavily involved in their churches. The production values on UP movies are very similar to Hallmark's. And the two share a lot of actors, too. (I noticed that many of the films available to watch on the UP channel are not UP originals, but I think most of the movies I'm talking about are ... since my free trial has ended, I can't go back and check.)

Five UP Films to Watch

Love Finds You in Valentine

Following her father's death, Kennedy Blaine learns she has inherited the family ranch in Valentine, Nebraska. Though she'd prefer just to sell it, her father requested that Kennedy visit the ranch first. Once she arrives in Valentine, Kennedy meets many distant relatives—her parents were both from Valentine but moved away due to a longstanding feud between their families. She also meets her grandfather, a man she didn't even know was still living, and she discovers her father's accountant may not have been telling the truth about the ranch's financial state. And, of course, she meets a man—Derek, the ranch foreman, with whom she gets off to a very rocky start.

Love Finds You in Valentine is sweet and romantic with just a touch of suspense. It is the second movie I watched with my free trial (I'll tell you about the first in the "what not to watch" section), and I was pleasantly surprised. The acting was good, the leads had actual chemistry, and the plot was entertaining. In fact, my only complaint is that the film was so obviously not filmed in Nebraska. (I looked it up on imdb, and it was filmed in Ohio, which is beautiful but clearly not the Nebraska Sandhills. I even spotted an Ohio license plate at one point.) One Tree Hill fans will recognize Michaela McManus (Kennedy), and I must say that she's much more likeable here than she was as Lucas's girlfriend Lindsey! Other cast members include the always great Ed Asner and the Bionic Woman herself, Lindsay Wagner. 4-1/2 stars.

Love Finds You in Charm

Emma is a young Amish woman who longs to experience the world. When she goes to visit a widowed cousin over the summer, she meets two intriguing men—Amish man Noah and Englischer Andy. She also becomes friends with Kelly, a young woman who fled to her aunt's inn following a difficult breakup. As Emma explores the world of cars, clothes, makeup, and men, she must decide where she fits—with the Amish or with the Englisch.

Amish fiction is so not my thing (unless it's written by Suzanne Woods Fisher). I wouldn't normally have watched Love Finds You in Charm, but I enjoyed Love Finds You in Valentine so much that I thought I'd give it a try! (Both films, as well as Love Finds You in Sugarcreek, are based on novels from Guidepost's "Love Finds You" line—I've reviewed Love Finds you in Sugarcreek, Ohio; Love Finds You in Sunset Beach, Hawaii; Love Finds You in Mackinac Island, Michigan; and Love Finds You in Glacier Bay, Alaska, on my book blog.)

Love Finds You in Charm is a very enjoyable film. Sure, I never fully bought Trevor Donovan (Noah) as an Amish man, and Drew Fuller played Andy as too forward and smarmy to be a believable option for Emma, but I still enjoyed watching it. It's not great cinema, but it's an enjoyable way to pass a few hours. 3 stars.

Love Finds You in Sugarcreek

While traveling with his young son Bobby, Joe Matthews (Tom Everett Scott) finds himself stranded in the Amish community of Sugarcreek, Ohio. He meets a kind Amish man who takes them to an inn run by three Amish sisters. The women take to Bobby immediately and agree to let Joe stay in exchange for doing some work around the property. However, their niece Rachel (Sarah Lancaster), a Sugarcreek policewoman, is highly suspicious of Joe and sets out to uncover his secrets. She learns that there's more to Joe's story than he's letting on ... but when she's losing her heart to him, will his real identity matter?

Really, I think the UP free trial was worth it for these three Love Finds You films alone. Love Finds You in Sugarcreek is sweetly romantic with a touch of mystery and suspense. Scott (who will always be "Shades" to me) and Lancaster have great chemistry, and the movie is just incredibly enjoyable. Also, the screenwriter wisely fixed the one problem I had with the novel the film is based on—a pregnant teen who seemed to be present solely to advance the plot is nowhere to be found in the film! 4 stars.

Guess Who's Coming to Christmas

Dax (Drew Lachey) is a washed-up rock star desperate for another hit. Following an embarrassing incident involving alcohol and a frozen turkey, he agrees to image rehab—by spending a week with a fan. That chosen fan is Kelly Harding, a woman who recently moved back in with her parents and younger brother after the New York publisher she worked for went under. Though Kelly has loved Dax since adolescence, she soon realizes the real Dax is nothing like the idol she once dreamed about. 

Here's the thing about Guess Who's Coming to Christmas: It's really predictable, Drew Lachey isn't a particularly great actor, and the song that Dax and Kelly write together is truly terrible ... but I really enjoyed the movie! I caught myself laughing out loud multiple times—I definitely did not expect it to be so funny. Much of the humor comes from the basically amoral Dax trying to live with Kelly's Christian family for a week. I really dislike when Christian films come across as preachy, but that's not the case with Guess Who's Coming to Christmas. Instead, the faith feels organic, like it's an integral part of the lives of the Hardings. I wouldn't even call it a Christian movie—it's a movie where some of the characters happen to be Christians. 3-1/2 stars.

Side note only important to a Nebraskan: Dax is originally from Beatrice, Nebraska ... only it's always pronounced BEE-uh-triss (like the woman's name) instead of bee-AT-russ. It's one of those things you'd never know if you weren't from the area ... but it also takes away from the authenticity of the film. (Not that Guess Who's Coming to Christmas is incredibly realistic, but still ...)

Dear Viola

Accountant Katie has always dreamed of being a writer, so when the advice columnist at the small-town newspaper she keeps books for retires, Katie takes a stab at writing the column ... anonymously, of course. Through the column, she begins sparring with widowed father Russ, a man she already knows (and secretly admires) from church, and a You've Got Mail type of situation soon unfolds, as she knows his identity, but he doesn't know she is Viola.

I always enjoy Kellie Martin in Hallmark-type movies, and Dear Viola is no exception. She is so likeable as the shy, slightly awkward Katie, and Jefferson Brown is quite charming as Russ. (Brown certainly has the charming thing down—he was the best part of the dreadful Please Kill Mr. Know It All, which I wrote about here.) Sure, there's the clichéd gorgeous, self-centered woman who so dazzles Russ that he can't see Katie right in front of him, and the ending is rather unbelievable (nothing new for this type of movie), but it's still a really enjoyable story. 4-1/2 stars.

One UP Film to Avoid

Accidentally Engaged

Clarissa (Lexi Giovagnoli) is a struggling actress who, through a string of fairly implausible events, becomes linked in the tabloids to superstar Chas Hunter (Brant Daugherty). Hoping to cover up his relationship with his married publicist, Chas asks Clarissa to pretend to be his girlfriend. But when Chas accompanies Clarissa to her best friend's wedding back home, the fake relationship takes a turn into real territory.

I am such a sucker for fake relationships turned real stories! So when I first heard about this film, I knew I wanted to watch it. It goes exactly as you'd expect, with Clarissa and Chas eventually falling in love. Here's the thing, though: Giovagnoli and Daugherty have zero chemistry. But Giovagnoli and Randy Wayne, who plays Clarissa's best guy friend Graham? They have chemistry in spades. So I found myself hoping that the film would do the unexpected and have Clarissa and Graham fall in love. But no. The movie goes just as you'd think, and Clarissa and Chas end up together, despite the predictability and lack of chemistry. Blurg. 2 stars.

Note: An UP Faith & Family subscription is $4.99 per month following your free 7-day trial. (You must have an Amazon Prime membership to purchase any of Amazon's add-on channels.) The movies can also be rented individually—but if you want to watch more than one, it's definitely worth it to subscribe for a month. Also note that several UP Faith & Family titles (but not nearly all, and none that I talked about here) are available on Netflix, Amazon Prime, or Hulu.

Have you seen any of these films? What did you think? 

Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase an item, I will receive an affiliate commission. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

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movie mondays: pixl movie channel

Do you love clean romance movies, like what Hallmark puts out? You know I do ... I'm such a sucker for a good Hallmark movie. Recently, one of my blogging buddies wrote about a movie she watched on PixL. I'd never heard of the channel before, so I did some investigating.

PixL is a movie channel that you might be able to find through your cable or satellite provider, but it also has a YouTube channel, and that's how I've checked it out.

For a small fee (currently $1.99/month or $14.99/year), you can get access to a whole slew of movies. Some are PixL originals (I think—it's kind of hard to tell), but the majority aired on the Hallmark Channel, sometimes under different names.

One of my favorite Hallmark Christmas movies, Matchmaker Santa, which has never released on DVD, is on PixL. So are all of the Love Comes Softly movies (not my cup of tea, but I know many people loved them).

I decided to sign up for a 14-day free trial, and I selected the yearly plan for if I choose to stay. (That's my one complaint—when you sign up for the trial period, you have to choose which plan you want.)

Last night, I watched Twist of Fate (aka Rescue Me—see what I mean about the multiple titles?). I know for a fact it's not a Hallmark movie, as I am totally on top of Hallmark's releases, but it might as well have been. The production values and acting were good, and it was full of faces you'll recognize if you've watched much Hallmark.

Twist of Fate was fairly predictable, though there was one twist (ha, ha) at the end that I didn't anticipate. Still, we don't watch romance movies to be surprised, do we? I look forward to checking out more of PixL's offerings soon.

I can't tell you if I'll power through the PixL movies I've not seen in the next two weeks and then cancel or if I'll stick with it for the year. But I'm certainly glad to know about it.

Have you heard of PixL before? What's your favorite Hallmark-ish movie?

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movie mondays: "hearts of spring"

I have a love-hate relationship with Hallmark movies. In theory, I love them, and I eagerly anticipate every single one. But as I'm watching them, half the time I'm thinking about plot holes, lack of chemistry, or just general stupidity. (I could name names, but I won't ... because I do really love the Hallmark Channel, and movies that I find insipid others love, and vice versa.)

This spring, Hallmark is having "Spring Fling" with a new movie every Saturday. The first film was one that I didn't particularly enjoy (and yet I still watched all of), but I was optimistic about the second film, Hearts of Spring, for one reason:

SHANKS!!!

Michael Shanks is much beloved in my family. We kids grew up watching Stargate: SG-1, and Shanks played Dr. Daniel Jackson. (Side note: my cats are all named after Stargate characters.)

I've seen Shanks in a few TV movies since Stargate ended--some good, others not so much. But I go into each Shanks movie in the same way I go into each Hallmark movie: with cautious optimism.

Michael Shanks & Lisa Whelchel in Hearts of Spring

I'm happy to report that Hearts of Spring is quite delightful! Shanks is Andy, a pediatrician and single father. Lisa Whelchel is his love interest Carly, a florist and mommy blogger. It's kind of You've Got Mail in reverse--the two meet and get along well in real life, not realizing they're online nemeses.

Shanks and Welchel have real chemistry, and the story, while not original, is quite enjoyable. (Hallmark had a very similar plot in All Things Valentine, which premiered in February, but I think Hearts of Spring did it better.)

One of my favorite aspects of the film is just how awkward it is when Andy and Carly are first getting to know each other--it lends a realistic, not so fairytale-like vibe. (I appreciate awkward. My sister Blendy does not, and she would have been hiding behind the throw pillows!)

Though the ending is a bit cheesy and, well, Hallmark-like, I can forgive that, as the rest of the movie is just so fun! Also, I did find it hilarious that this giant state-wide blogger convention that was mentioned throughout the film ended up having about 100 people in attendance--like, could they only find 95 extras that day? I mean, I've never attended a blogging convention myself (though I'd love to someday), but I'd imagined it would be a much bigger event!

Hearts of Spring is definitely one of the more enjoyable Hallmark movies I've seen recently. If you've seen it, I'd love to know what you thought. And if you haven't, be sure to catch it in one of its repeat airings!

Photo Credits: Copyright 2016 Crown Media United States, LLC

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movie mondays: christmas movies to stream

A couple weeks ago, I talked about all the Hallmark Christmas movies you can watch.

But what if you don't have the Hallmark Channel?

You could always rely on your massive collection of Christmas movies.

Wait, that's just me?

Well, then, that's where Netflix and Hulu come in. Chances are, you have a subscription to at least one of them--and if you don't, you should definitely check out Hulu, as some films are streamable on your computer without a Hulu Plus subscription. (Unfortunately, Amazon Prime doesn't offer much in the way of quality Christmas movies--though I know your definition of "quality" may differ from mine!) The choices range from classics to sappy romance to kids' movies and everything in between, but I'm going to focus on (what else?) sappy romance. Below are some of my favorites:

Love at the Christmas Table starring Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson, Scott Patterson
This one was just on Lifetime the other night, so I watched it again. It all takes place on Christmas Eve throughout the years and focuses on two kids who grow up together and slowly fall in love. As far as Christmas movies go, it's one of the more realistic ones. Watch on Hulu.

Holiday Engagement starring Bonnie Somerville, Jordan Bridges, Shelly Long
This one is a bit more on the ridiculous side, but I do enjoy it! Plus, it's technically a Thanksgiving  movie, so it should satisfy my sister who's always complaining that Thanksgiving never gets its due. Hillary's boyfriend Jason dumps her just before Thanksgiving, when he's supposed to finally meet her family, so she hires David to pose as Jason through the long weekend at her parents' house. Of course, sparks fly. Bridges is playing essentially the same character as he did in the Tori Spelling gem Family Plan--an actor hired to play a desperate woman's significant other--but that repetition doesn't bother me in the least. He's definitely good at the role! Watch on Netflix, Hulu.

The 12 Dates of Christmas starring Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Amy Smart
I've written about this one before. So cute ... especially if you love Mark-Paul! It's basically Groundhog Day on Christmas Eve. Watch on Netflix.

A Christmas Kiss starring Brendan Fehr, Laura Breckenridge
Is A Christmas Kiss ultimately ridiculous? Yes! But it's also so enjoyable. Aspiring interior designer Wendy meets the man of her dreams in an elevator. The only problem? He's her horrible boss Priscilla's boyfriend. The whole thing stretches credulity--why would Adam be with someone as dreadful as Priscilla in the first place, and how could he be so dense as to not recognize Wendy?--but it's always entertaining. Also, look for The Lizzie Bennet Diaries' Jane (Laura Spencer) in a supporting role. Watch on Netflix.

Holiday in Handcuffs starring Melissa Joan Hart, Mario Lopez
While we're talking ridiculous yet enjoyable (and continuing with the Saved by the Bell theme) ... Trudy's boyfriend breaks up with her right before Christmas (sound familiar?), so, out of desperation, she kidnaps a handsome man who comes into the diner she works at. In real life, this woman would be going to jail. On ABC Family, the two fall in love. Watch on Netflix.

A Princess for Christmas starring Katie McGrath, Sam Heughan, Roger Moore
This is one of the few recent Hallmark offerings that is available to stream. When I first watched A Princess for Christmas several years ago, I thought it was incredibly lame. But then I caught it again on Hallmark the other day, and I thought it completely adorable. Plus, it stars Sam Heughan, who I know many women have come to love on Outlander. Watch on Hulu.

Have I missed any? What Christmas movies do you like to stream?

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movie mondays: countdown to christmas

"It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!"

OK, not really. Not yet. Unless, of course, you're the Hallmark Channel.

For Hallmark Channel, the Christmas season began October 31. Yes, on Halloween. This surprised me, as Hallmark has the Good Witch movie franchise (and upcoming series), and Halloween would seem like the perfect time for a marathon. Not that I'm complaining ...

Hallmark runs their Christmas movies all day, every day (except for weekday morning episodes of their Home & Family talk show). I suppose this is nice for insomniacs. In fact, my dad told me the other day that each time he got up in the night, he turned on the TV just to see which movie was playing. (My dad shares my intense love for Hallmark movies. My mom does not.)

With the plethora of Christmas movies on Hallmark, how do you know which ones are great, and which ones are a waste of time? Well, I'll tell you, of course! Just keep in mind that one man's trash is another man's treasure. This was never more evident to me than Saturday, when I was talking with a friend about the movies we'd watched so far. She loved Angels Sing, starring Harry Connick, Jr., and I thought it was incredibly boring. She and her mom thought One Starry Christmas was pretty cheesy, and I thought it was cute. To each his own, I guess!

The links below go to the trailers so you can check out the films for yourself.

Movies to make a point to watch
Seek these out on Hallmark's schedule. If they're available on DVD, buy them--they're that good!
Snow Bride--This was my unexpected favorite film of Hallmark's 2013 Christmas season. Unfortunately, it's not on DVD, but you can easily find the whole thing on YouTube.
The Christmas Card--This is one of the first Christmas movies I ever got on DVD. It's pretty realistic ... for a Christmas movie!
Matchmaker Santa--I love everything about this movie, right up until the last 60 seconds. It just ... ends. Ending aside, it's a great movie that, unfortunately, isn't on DVD.
The Nine Lives of Christmas--This one just premiered over the weekend, and it's already one of my favorites. Super cute, and it doesn't hurt that it features two adorable cats. You can find it exclusively at Walmart tomorrow. (Yes, my copy is preordered.)
Trading Christmas--Its concept is similar to The Holiday, but I love it anyway! (It's also very similar to Hallmark's Finding Christmas, but this one is so, so, so much better.)
The Christmas Ornament--My 2nd favorite of Hallmark's 2013 originals. It's really sweet. It just came out on DVD, and it's currently on my Amazon wish list.

Movies to watch if you come across them
These are very enjoyable. I probably wouldn't buy them unless I found them for less than $5, but they're good.
Mrs. Miracle
Call Me Mrs. Miracle
One Starry Christmas
A Very Merry Mix-Up
Holiday Engagement
All I Want for Christmas
Hitched for the Holidays
Let It Snow
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Movies to avoid
I really didn't like these at all ... I'd recommend doing something different with your time.
A Bride for Christmas
Angels Sing
Catch a Christmas Star
Finding Christmas
Lucky Christmas
A Cookie Cutter Christmas
The Christmas Spirit

This is not an exhaustive list, so if you have any other Hallmark Christmas movies you're wondering about, just ask me in the comments! Chances are, I've seen them :-)

Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

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movie mondays: movies to avoid (amazon prime)

If you have any streaming services, you know your options often seem limitless. You also know that the majority of films available to stream are not the blockbusters everyone's heard of. No, most of the films are independent films, and their covers often announce all of these wonderful film festival awards. But how do you know if they're worth your time?

That's where I come in.

I have this incredible knack for picking out terrible films. Every once in a while, I'll hit on a gem, but usually, I strike out. (I'll tell you about the gems in an upcoming post.) So here are some Amazon Prime offerings that I've recently suffered through. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Or do--but don't say I didn't warn you!

Please Kill Mr. Know It All (NR)

This film actually inspired this post. The other night, I was looking for something to watch, and it popped up as a recommendation. It was awful ... yet I watched the entire thing.

Sally is an aspiring author who writes an advice column, Mr. Know It All, to pay the bills. For some unknown reason (or perhaps it is known, and I was just too bored to note it), no one knows Mr. Know It All's identity. Eventually, Sally has to come up with a "face" for Mr. Know It All, so she sketches Albert, a man she notices at the movies. Turns out he's a hit man, and his sudden notoriety makes it difficult for him to do his job, so he sets out to kill Mr. Know It All. In his quest, he meets Sally, and they fall in love. Throw in contracts on both Albert's and Mr. Know It All's lives, and Albert & Sally's romance may be over before it even begins. The resolution makes zero sense (how does putting a dead hit man's prints on Sally's coffee mug identify him as Mr. Know It All? And if Albert has already been identified in public as Mr. Know It All, wouldn't his reappearance a year later cause people to talk?)--but that's OK, because the resolution meant the movie was over.*

*I do have to say that I found both leads to be charming. But the script? Awful.

I Don't Buy Kisses Anymore (PG)

I honestly don't know what possessed me to watch his film, except that I always love the underdog gets the girl story. It had some good reviews, and I guess I was in a sappy mood.

Anyway.

Bernie is a down-on-his-luck, overweight bachelor who still lives with his mother and runs his father's store. His whole family views him as a loser, and Bernie buys into that mentality himself ... until he meets Theresa. He is immediately drawn to her, and he finds himself transforming for her--he comes out of his shell, joins a gym, and stops buying Hershey's Kisses at the local drug store. Meanwhile, Theresa is using Bernie as the topic of her thesis ... something about overweight men. But of course, they fall in love, blah, blah, blah. Dumb.

Madea's Witness Protection (PG-13)

This film is the most "mainstream" film on the list--I recall seeing commercials for it on TV, and Tyler Perry is a pretty reliable "brand," love him or hate him. But chances are good that you haven't seen it, and you might be curious ... thus its inclusion.

As a general rule, I love Tyler Perry movies, especially the ones with Madea. But Madea's Witness Protection is a total bomb. I think maybe it tried to be too broad, with Eugene Levy, Doris Roberts, and Denise Richards as members of a family in witness protection who end up staying with Madea, instead of sticking with the normal formula of members of Madea's family in trouble. Perhaps the classic Perry morality lesson comes in at the end, but I couldn't force myself to watch the entire thing. I tried--multiple times--but ultimately, I decided the it just wasn't worth my time.*

*Looking for a Perry movie that is worth your time? Check out Madea Goes to Jail, Meet the Browns, or, if Madea isn't your thing, Why Did I Get Married? Unfortunately, they aren't available to stream for free.

A Big Love Story (NR)

This movie baffles me. As I said before, I'm a sucker for the geek/nerd/ugly girl/underdog falls in love story. And A Big Love Story has some absolutely amazing reviews on Amazon. But it is so, so terrible. While it's not rated, it definitely would be rated R if it had gone through the MPAA.

Sam is an obese former football player who decides to get in shape. He hires Cassie to train him. They both have train-wreck lives, and I'm pretty sure they fall in love. I watched the entire film, and, two months later, I can't even remember the end. I do remember some sub-plot about Sam's roommate and his girlfriend, who thinks she's pregnant, but she's not. This won a bunch of film festival awards, so obviously some people liked it--but I am certainly not one of those people. (It appears more and more people are agreeing with me, as many of the recent Amazon reviews are not so complimentary.)

The World's Oldest Living Bridesmaid (NR)

Yes, the title should have warned me off, and if not the title, then the picture. But this was a 90's TV movie, and I have such fond memories of other 90's TV movies with semi-bad to horrible titles (Our Son the Matchmaker, Chance of a Lifetime, Forever Love) that I thought I would give this one a chance.

I probably should have passed.

Brenda is a 40-something lawyer who can't seem to keep a secretary--they keep getting married. She ends up hiring Alex, a 20-something artist who works as a secretary because his art career hasn't taken off yet. They fall in love. She's embarrassed to be seen with him in public. He dumps her. She realizes the error of her ways and apologizes. He proposes. The end.

And the title? It's just a throw away line that Brenda utters at a cafe. She's really not obsessed with getting married; in fact, she shows no interest in it whatsoever until Alex proposes. The best part though? The waiter that she says the line to is Colin Mochrie of Whose Line.

Have you seen any of these films? What did you think? Can you give us other Prime offerings to avoid? Let me know in the comments!

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movie mondays: a great sci-fi film you've never seen

I'm introducing a new series today: Movie Mondays. I may miss some weeks because, you know, life, but I'm hoping to have a movie-related post most Mondays.

About 10 years ago, my brother told me about this science fiction movie he'd seen. He told me I'd love it, and he gave me a copy to back up his claim. It took me a while, but I did watch it. And he was right--I loved it.

I just recently noticed that Equilibrium is available to stream on Amazon Prime, so I watched it again. It's just as great as I remembered.

Equilibrium stars a pre-Batman Christian Bale as John Preston, a cleric in post-World War III Libria. Clerics are responsible for ferreting out "sense offenders"--those who cease taking their mandated feelings-eliminating drugs. They also are charged with destroying contraband including art, music, and literature.

When John realizes his own partner (Sean Bean) is a sense offender, he begins to question the necessity of eradicating emotion. When he stops taking the drug, he opens himself up to a whole new world of love, anger, and grief, and he makes it his mission to bring down "Father," the all-powerful government ruler.

I don't know about you, but I don't even remember Equilibrium's 2002 release, and it only made a little over $1 million in its entire US theatrical run. According to Rotten Tomatoes, only 37% of critics liked it, deciding that "Equilibrium is a reheated mishmash of other sci-fi movies." By contrast, 82% of viewers liked it.

I can see where the comparisons to other sci-fi movies come in, especially if you compare it to The Matrix, which released a few years before Equilibrium. Both feature men in long black coats who use guns and martial art to defeat their enemies. Both John and Neo could be seen as the saviors of humanity (though Neo's role as a Christ-figure is much more clearly defined). In message, however, Equilibrium is more in line with Nineteen Eighty-Four and Harrison Bergeron. And really, what idea hasn't been done before in some form? I don't think it's so much like other films that it can't stand on its own.

If you enjoy science fiction or dystopian films, I definitely recommend Equilibrium.

Stream it on Amazon Prime.

Content note: This film is extremely violent--however, it is, for the most part, bloodless. I can't recall hearing a single swear word, but IMDb's content warnings page says the "f" and "s" words are each used twice.

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