I haven't talked publicly about Hashimoto's, my autoimmune disease, for a long time. For a while, it was THE thing in my life. But after getting on the right meds, vastly changing my diet, and learning to take care of myself, it's become just A thing, something that's part of who I am but doesn't rule my life.
Most of the time.
Today, though, I'm very aware of Hashi and the limitations it gives me. We had a major snowstorm that dumped 10-ish inches and created drifts of 3 or more feet. My car isn't going anywhere until it gets dug out.
I know that strenuous exercise isn't good for me, but what was I supposed to do? (Of course, I could've chosen to stay snowed in, at least in theory. But it didn't really feel like a choice. I needed to dig out.) So I bundled up and attacked the snow. After about 30 minutes, I quit. I'm still snowed in. And I spent the next hour sprawled on the couch. Three hours later, I'm not feeling much better.
I used to feel this—this deep, utter exhaustion—every single time I mowed my lawn. Last summer, I didn't feel it once, which is a testament to how much healing I've done. But it's frustrating to have my limitations thrown in my face. I cringe when I wonder if the neighbors think I'm lazy or wimpy—because I look perfectly normal; I look like I should be able to handle some snow. I was even slightly embarrassed when I admitted to my friend (and sometimes mail carrier) that "this" just about killed me when she delivered a package this afternoon, and she knew me when I was at my worst! I guess it's just humbling to be reminded that some things are out of my control, and I'm not really self-sufficient.
I also worry that this exertion is going to set me back, cause a flare-up of symptoms, and impact more than just today. I know that I'll need to be extra vigilant and extra gentle with myself for a while. This in itself is frustrating, as I'm forgoing some things I'd like to do (like keeping up with my steps in a walking challenge I've joined) in hopes of not making things worse.
But I'm also so thankful that I'm not where I once was. If it takes a snowstorm to remind me of both my frailty and of how far I've come, I guess I should be grateful. And I'm also grateful for my dad, who came over after he got off work and finished digging me out!
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Thank you for sharing so transparently, Becky. I know first hand the frustration of limitations stemming from auto-immune disease and having to refrain from so much (to prevent flaring) that so many other people take for granted. I'm in the middle of such a season of my own right now, have made substantial changes in the things I have control over that contribute to health, yet my own particular beast refuses to back down, and the battle against it (and against self pity) is deeply wearying. I continually need to remind myself of all the gifts of beauty and grace that are present in my life, and to trust that my loving Father will give me what I need day by day, hour by hour for each step of the journey.
ReplyDeleteHi Becky! I only just found your blog. I promise I am telling you the truth that my Hashi's has improved a LOT with my naturopathic doc. And I thought you might be interested in trying him out. You can read the Notes section on his Facebook page, or the Testimonials on his website, to tell you what a thinker he is and how he works with each person for their individual situations. I am just a huge, huge fan, because of my great improvement. His name is Dr. Garrett Smith and his website is nutritionrestored dot com. He does the best hair testing (HTMA, you may hve seen that on the Internet) of anyone else. My heart goes out to you for your suffering with Hashi's, and I am only recommending him out of a heart that is grateful to God for somehow connecting me there.
ReplyDeleteBest to you!
Kathy